Every Friday, I'm answering one real question from a real leader. No theory. No fluff. Just the stuff you're actually dealing with.

If you've got a question you'd like me to tackle, just hit reply. I read every one.

Elena, that last line says it all.

More time mediating than managing.

You've become the referee. A full-time job you never applied for.

The Myers-Briggs Company's Conflict at Work research found that people who handle conflict spend an average of 4.34 hours a week on it. And that’s more than double the 2008 figure.

Half a workday. Every week. Gone.

I've refereed more feuds in my career than I can count.

Once I was even the go-between for my own boss (a division president) and his counterpart in another division. Two executives, one company, zero alignment.

But the ones that drained me most were on my own teams.

Smart, passionate people who couldn't stand each other.

Sometimes it was a personality clash. Sometimes a bias neither would admit to. Usually it was pride and ego. The work was just the excuse.

And I began to resent it. I became a leader to build things, not to run adult day care.

But guiding people back to working together is part of the job. Even when emotions run hot.

So let's talk about how you get out of the middle.

1. Figure out which fight you're refereeing

Researchers draw a line between 2 kinds of conflict.

Task conflict is about the work. What to build, how to prioritize, who owns what.

Relationship conflict is personal. Tension, animosity, contempt.

A meta-analysis by Carsten De Dreu and Laurie Weingart in the Journal of Applied Psychology found relationship conflict strongly drags down both team performance and satisfaction.

Once a fight goes personal, everyone loses. Including the people watching.

Your entire job in the next 4 tactics is dragging this one back to the work.

2. Get them in the same room

You've talked to both individually. Right first step.

It's also part of the problem now.

Separate conversations let each person build a case, and you become the courtroom.

So sit down with both of them together. Open with the standard:

"You don't have to be friends. You do have to work together. We're going to figure out how."

Then let them talk to each other.

Your role is traffic control, nothing more.

3. Make the fight about the work

Personal grievances have no finish line. Work problems do.

In that meeting, ask each of them 1 question:

"What specifically do you need from the other person to do your job well?"

Push past vague answers.

Maybe it’s about response times. Handoff quality. How disagreements get raised in meetings.

Then write the agreements down.

Vague truces collapse in a week. Written commitments can be checked.

4. Set the standard and the consequence

Respect is a job requirement, same as showing up.

Say it plainly:

"Disagreement is welcome, contempt is not. If this keeps disrupting the team, it becomes a performance issue for both of you."

That sentence feels harsh but it's actually a kindness.

You're showing them the line before anyone crosses it.

And if nothing changes after all of this? Be honest with them.

Some people will never get along. Mature professionals recognize it and adjust. If they can't, somebody has to make a change.

Saying that out loud is part of the standard too.

5. Resign as referee

From now on, when one of them brings you a complaint about the other, ask:

"What happened when you raised this with them directly?"

If the answer is "I haven't," send them back.

Every dispute you settle for them teaches them that escalating to you works better than talking to each other.

Stop rewarding it.

Put 30 minutes on the calendar this week. Both of them, one room, you at the head of the table.

Open with the standard from tactic 2.

Ask each person the question from tactic 3. Write the answers down while they watch.

That one meeting turns you from referee back into manager (which is the job you actually applied for).

Until next time, keep being brilliant,
Justin

P.S. What was your very first job ever? Hit reply, I'm curious.