Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.
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Growing up, my dad had a line he repeated all the time.
“Empathy is the highest form of intelligence.”
I nodded when he said it. I didn’t understand it.
Then I watched how he moved through the world.
When I was upset as a kid, he didn’t rush to fix it. He’d just sit next to me in silence so I knew I wasn’t alone.
He thanked everyone. Servers. Bus drivers. The person bagging his groceries.
He owned it fast when he was wrong.
And he was always the first to apologize after an argument, even when he wasn’t the one who started it.
He never lectured me about empathy. He just lived it. Every day. In the small moments nobody claps for.
That’s how I learned the thing most people get backwards.
Empathy is a practice, not a feeling.
I created an iceberg breakdown of what empathy looks like below the surface. Click the thumbnail for the high-res version.
Most of empathy lives below the waterline
When people picture empathy, they picture the tip of the iceberg. Feeling sorry for someone. A sympathetic look. A quick “that sucks, I’m sorry.”
The real thing sits underneath.
Sensing what someone feels before they say it. Imagining yourself in their situation. Listening to understand instead of waiting to reply. Respecting their feelings without trying to change them.
That’s the part nobody sees. And it’s the part that actually changes how people experience you.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman, drawing on the work of Paul Ekman, breaks empathy into 3 distinct skills. Once you see them separately, you can practice each one on purpose.
Cognitive empathy. Understanding what someone thinks and why. This is perspective-taking. It makes you a sharper communicator and a better negotiator because you can see the situation through their eyes. On its own, though, it can feel cold. Understanding someone intellectually does nothing if they can’t feel that you care.
Emotional empathy. Actually feeling what the other person feels. This is the connection that builds real bonds. Their stress shows up in your body. The catch is that too much of it burns you out. Leaders who absorb every emotion in the room end up depleted and unable to help anyone.
Compassionate empathy. Understanding the person, feeling with them, then doing something useful about it. Goleman calls this the balance point. You stay grounded enough to think clearly and connected enough to care. This is the one that moves people.
Most of us lean hard on one and skip the others. The goal is to use all 3.
Why this matters for leaders
This is where the soft skill turns into a hard advantage.
Catalyst surveyed nearly 900 employees and found that people with highly empathetic senior leaders reported far higher innovation than those with less empathetic ones. 61% versus 13%.
The engagement gap was just as wide. 76% versus 32%.
And a separate report found that 92% of employees are more likely to stay with an empathetic employer.
The Center for Creative Leadership found something even more direct. Managers who show empathy toward their people are rated as better performers by their own bosses.
Empathy is a competitive edge most leaders leave on the table.
The best news from that same research: empathy is a learnable skill. Not a personality type you’re born with. Something you build through reps, exactly like my dad did
5 ways to practice it this week
Listen actively. Focus fully on the person in front of you. No glancing at your phone. No drafting your reply while they talk.
Reflect feelings back. Try “It sounds like you’re feeling stretched pretty thin.” It signals you actually heard them.
Ask open-ended questions. “What’s been going on for you?” invites the real answer. “You okay?” gets you a reflexive “fine.”
Drop the judgment. Go in curious about their experience, not certain about your conclusion.
Offer support, not solutions. Ask “How can I support you?” before you start fixing. Most people want to be understood first.
My dad never read the research. He just understood people.
So this week, pick one conversation that matters.
Listen fully. Reflect back what you hear. Ask one open question. Hold the judgment. And ask how you can help before you offer a fix.
Practice empathy daily. Your relationships will be better for it.
He was right about that.
Talk soon,
Justin
P.S. Who’s someone who shaped how you treat people? Hit reply, I’d love to hear about them.
